FEAR
It seems, in this moment - which is important to note, for moments change - that I have come full circle.
I am back in Spain, in Granada, where over a year ago I was brimming with hope and expectation for better things. Since then, I have found the wildest joy and have lost it in a blinding instant. I have reached the highest and lowest of emotions. I have reached the highest and lowest of my physical strength, but that was simple in comparison.
I am now simply deflated.
Nearly two years and so many experiences since, and I fear that it is not enough.
I am the constant factor in this equation.
And yet it is fear that stops us also in believing that there has been change. I know that it is fear that is warning me of falling back into the shell of who I used to be, although now more than ever I can see it is truly a possibility.
Simply because I have given my everything, my trust, and it was given back.
Not in ruthlessness, nor pettiness, also, probably in fear.
Still what I had before, I no longer own and I never felt that I owned that much to start with.
What more can you do. Is there ever enough. How do people pick up and continue with hope, without fear.
PERSPECTIVE
Every time I write, I chastise myself for words of importance that are given to things that ´in perspective´, are of no ´importance´.
I have no threat of death, war, pain, or illness above any other, and therefore feel my words seem hollow when describing things of less ´importance´.
Yet, it is love, compassion, trust, a feeling of constant, that holds people together in the worst and best of human experience. It is these that people cling to.
So it does make sense that this is what people look to in times of loneliness, whatever the degree.
As long as there is a perspective and if we are capable and able to have it for ourselves, then I guess we are forever able to see forward or to hope for a way into and out of the darkness
LOVE
I still don´t know what this means, or what it should mean.
Forever love has been described circularly, love explained as love. It makes no sense, but maybe that is the point, that there is no sense or logic for it or in it.
I have loved and not understood.
I have thought I have loved before I knew what it was to love, and still I do not love.
I love unconditionally some of the women in my life who know not how to hurt as bad as the other.
I have loved one, and understand why I shouldn´t and couldn´t have, yet I still love, and will always. My heart goes out to you perhaps because of your incapability to return it. I have no further and want no further understanding of your or its contradictions. Love...is blind. And forever will be.
FRIENDSHIP
Too many versions. Yet everyone knows who the true ones are even if they can´t point a finger as to exactly why.
Friendship is someone who holds a mirror to you and asks if you like what you see.
If you do, they understand.
If you don´t, they understand.
Friends do not try to change you, but will be brutally honest in their opinion, because it is an unselfish one, it is then up to you what you do with it.
Friends hear the dog whistle you blow before any other dog.
Friends see the white flag even if you own no material.
Friends will wake in the dying of the night and hold you until you both can´t cry, talk, or stay awake any longer.
Friends ask for nothing, and give you everything, and you to them.
PROMISES
We are better without them....
especially the unspoken ones.
For they are impossible to keep,
and mean too much.
